1 Month

Exactly a month ago on 9th November I had the operation to remove my baby from my body.  I am doing much better these days.  Able to focus on other things and to look to the future however today is hard.  I miss Pickle so much.  

In 5 days time it is the anniversary of my first loss.  Last year when I lost Snowdrop it hurt but I had so much hope that I would soon be pregnant again and that all would be OK.  A year later and I have 2 more little angels, an empty womb and a hole in my heart that will never be filled.

My friend always told me that the dates were hardest and she is right.  

Numb

Last week I told my GP I wasn't coping and started back on anti depressants.  I'm not sure if it's the result of taking them or whether it's psychological but now I feel numb.  I haven't cried in almost a week.  I barely feel anything.  I don't like this feeling as it feels like I'm betraying my little one's memory.  To have stopped grieving so soon feels like I am acting like I did not care much but nothing could be further from the truth.  I love my baby with every part of my being and it kills me that he is gone.  

Yesterday was supposed to be a happy day.  The day of my NT scan.  The hospital said I would be 12+3.  I knew I was actually 14 weeks.  What does it matter though, it didn't happen.  Instead I walked through the local shopping centre, silently judging the people I saw there.  Wondering what made them worthy to carry a child to term 1, 2, 3, 4 times yet not me.  How could that mum with 4 children under the age of 4 standing outside smoking get to take her babies home and not me?  What did I do wrong?  I waited until we were financially in a position to afford a second child.  I didn't drink, smoke or do drugs.  I took my vitamins, drank enough water and got some exercise.  I ate reasonably healthily and got enough rest.  I tried my hardest not to stress.  Still not enough.  Never enough...

12 weeks

Today is a day I had been so looking forward to.  By the due date given to me at my 2nd ultrasound I would have turned 12 weeks today.  My official dating scan was booked for Tuesday 1st December.  Of course I know that I was more like 13.5-14 weeks at this point and baby was measuring behind but it is still very hard.  I miss my baby so much.... 

Not Pregnant

Well today is 17 days post ERPC and pregnancy tests are now showing negative.  I am completely and utterly no longer pregnant.  There are nothing physical remaining to show for the last 3 months.

I feel awful.  Emotionally I am on a rollercoaster, lows, deeper lows and ok moments.  Nothing I would describe as a high though.  I went back to my GP and she has started me on 50mg Sertraline.  I feel like I can't face anything until I have some sort of chemical support helping me along.  Unfortunately I am not doing brilliantly physically either.  I have developed a kidney infection so am feeling pretty rough and particularly exhausted.  

I'm so ready for 2015 to be over.  I was so excited for it to be here.  I entered it fresh from my first loss, but certain that good things were coming instead I have had heartache after heartache.  Hopefully 2016 will bring my rainbow...

Guilt

Ever since I found out that my baby was gone I have wracked my brains trying to understand what I did wrong.

I never felt quite like this with the other two, after all nature has a way of ensuring that only the healthy survive.  

This time though it was different.  I must have had something to do with it, otherwise why else would I have been so unlucky to have had 3 losses in a row.  Is it me?  Do I have some condition that's killing off my babies before they even have a chance?  Is it something I did?

I've come up with 2 things which I will forever berate myself for.  Firstly, I wasn't taking my folic acid.  After 12 months trying I had just about given up.  I stopped taking my prenatal vitamins and my Metformin.  What was the point in continuing them when they didn't make any difference?  Or so I thought anyway...

Secondly, 2 weeks before I got my BFP I started taking escitalopram, an anti depressant.  I just couldn't cope alone anymore and needed help.  As soon as I found out I was pregnant I made a doctors appointment and was advised to stop taking it.  Had I already done the damage by then?

Part of me thinks that these things wouldn't have made any difference, but what if they did?  What if I was that rare case where taking anti depressants did cause me to miscarry?  Or where my low folate levels caused catastrophic abnormalities in my tiny bunch of rapidly multiplying cells?

I haven't cried today for the first time.  I feel like I should but I just feel numb.  How do I move on?  

I started counselling yesterday.  It wasn't even a proper session but it was so hard to bear.  I am heading back to my GP this week to ask for more support.  For meds which will help to lift me so I can concentrate on moving forward.  I'll ask for meds which are safe in pregnancy just in case.  I can't think of any other way I am going to get through this...

In Memoriam...

Ever since I lost Snowdrop I had this thought that I would like a tattoo.  Something meaningful to represent my lost.  In the days following losing Pickle, that thought intensified until I couldn't wait any longer.  I needed something with me all the time.  A representative of my loss or as my husband remarked rather prosaically, something permanent to stay with me in place of what should have been permanent but wasn't.  I needed something to remember my babies with.  As the bleeding slowed I became desperate to have it done as soon as possible, the last traces of my baby we're leaving me.  So yesterday I did it.  I had my first tattoo and I am so, so pleased with it.  It's everything I wanted it to be.  All 3 of my lost babies are represented:

Fly high my precious angels.  Always with me x

Brave? I don't think so...

Over the last 10 days I've been told countless times how brave and strong I am.  I'm not though.  I'm not brave and I'm definitely not strong.  If only they could see how I really feel.  How I wake up crying in the middle night.  How I cry most mornings on waking just at the thought of another day without my baby.  Each day I think to myself now I would have had a 2.5 month old baby, now I could be 25 weeks pregnant.  Now I should be 12 weeks pregnant.  I'm not any of those things though.  I'm not even able to start thinking about trying again - pregnancy tests are still showing as positive, my HCG levels are falling but are still not at pre-pregnancy levels.  I'm pregnant but I'm not.    It's a terrible limbo.

I'm not brave and I'm not strong.  I do what I have to to get through each day.  I have no idea how to move on so every day I go through the motions of living whilst I feel so very broken inside.

Rosie is the sole bright spark in my darkest days.  I do what I can to keep this all from her but it's so hard :(

Why?

Yesterday was a bad day.  I spent much of it in tears.  I miss my baby so much.  I should be 12 weeks pregnant, happily announcing to everyone I know that our miracle is in its way.  I should be planning, what we need to buy, checking through what we have already, looking at baby names.  I should be happy.  But I'm not...

Today I am angry.  Why me?  What did I do wrong?  Why do I have to go through all this?  I did everything I was supposed to.  Lost weight, took my vitamins, tried to get healthier.  We waited for so long after having Rosie.  I hated waiting.  I wanted to have a much smaller age gap.  All my mum friends had their second babies and I was still waiting for the right time.  We decided to start TTC when Rosie was 3.5 years old as we worked out that we could afford it.  We would be able to live our life as we wanted to, to afford trips out and treats.  A lovely new house.  A comfortable life.  Was it so wrongn that we waited for this?  Now we're here 15 months after starting trying to conceive with nothing to show for it but broken hearts, mourning our 3 lost babies.

I don't plan to wait to start trying again.  I can't.  Each month that goes by is a month that I am older, less fertile.  Each month Rosie gets older and the age gap between her and any future sibling increases.  I will be followed up at the hospital for recurrent pregnancy loss and hopefully it will show something simple, something I can take to enable me to carry another baby to term but I'm not counting on it.  This ones on me.  Time to get back to the diet and the exercise.  I have to keep trying...

Drowning

Standing surrounded by people, I feel so alone.  My heart feels like it's been torn in two.  It hurts so much.  Everything seems to be aimed at reminding me that I am not pregnant any more.  A group of friends sent me a gift, to say how sorry they were and that they were thinking of me.  Aromatherapy bath oils - the packaging reads 'not for use when pregnant'.  A sweet gesture but one that hurts so much.  I packed away my maternity clothes this morning.  I hadn't bought much and really hadn't actually needed them yet but it still hurt.  My baby is dead.  My body failed.  I posted a picture on IG saying that I'm hurting.  Drowning in my secret pain.  No one responded.  I guess no one knows how any more.  What do you say after you've said you're sorry?  It doesn't matter, it doesn't help.  Nothing helps.  Nothing stops the pain.

Dates

I have a list of dates indelibly inked on to my brain.

14 December 2014 - the day I first experienced loss.  My beautiful Snowdrop.
25 August 2015 - our 6th wedding anniversary, Snowdrop's due date

29 May 2015 - my 2nd loss, Forget-Me-Not
5 March 2016 - my husband's 35th birthday, Forget-Me-Not's due date

6 November 2015 - the day I found out Pickle had left us
9 November 2015 - the day Pickle was forced from me
31 May 2016 - the day Pickle would have been due

So many dates.  So much sadness.  Each day that passes renews my pain.  I love my babies with all my heart and pray that they are at peace.  No pain, no fear, just peace.

Loss

So Friday 6th November I found out that I'd had a missed miscarriage.  I was 10+6 weeks pregnant but baby had passed 3 weeks previously measuring only 6 weeks.  I was given 2 options.  Firstly, expectant management - wait and see what happens naturally over the next 3 weeks.  Or secondly to book in for a procedure - Evacuation of Retained Products of Conception.  I would have a general anaesthetic and whilst asleep they would clear my uterus.  I opted for the operation.  I was so scared of it happening naturally, of the pain and the bleeding and of seeing my baby. I was booked to have the ERPC on Monday 9th November.

We arranged for my parents to pick up Rosie so that I could have a quiet restful weekend before going in on Monday.  They picked her up and left our house at around 2.30pm on Saturday afternoon.  Within 30 mins of them going I was starting to cramp.  Every few mins I would have a bad one and run to the toilet.  Bleeding was starting to pick up.  About 3.15 I decided it was getting too much and told my husband I needed to go to the hospital.  I was having to breathe through each wave of cramps.  We ran around the house and gathered pyjamas and phone chargers and a few bits.  I changed my pad and we headed to the hospital.  It took about 10 minutes to get to the hospital and to book in.  As I stool at the booking desk I felt a sudden rush.  Running to the toilet I found I had flooded through the pad.  I was taken straight through triage and put in a cubicle.  By this time I was rolling around crying with the pain.  Every few minutes I would feel a gush.  I soaked right through my pad and underwear and was sitting in a pool of blood.  Eventually my husband got someone to come see me, I don't remember much through the haze of pain and the heart rending gushes that I could feel.  I was given gas and air to try and help me through the pain but it ran out.  They were saying something about not giving me anything stronger as I was pregnant but my husband explained that I was miscarrying and booked for D&C and shortly after they gave me morphine. 

I was moved up to a ward soon after, the bleeding was starting to slow and the pain was controlled with a mixture of morphine and cocodamol.  The two girls in the bed opposite were pregnant and eventually I was moved into a side room.  Around 10.30pm I realised that the painkillers must have worn off but I was still not in pain.  The bleeding had almost completely stopped.

The next morning after a very restless night with almost no sleep, I was given another scan.  I was told that my uterus was clear.  It looked like I had passed everything and the lining was already thin and looking good.  Unfortunately though they found the gestational sac complete with fetal pole stuck in my cervix.  The doctor tried to remove it manually but it was out of reach.

Due to the lack of pain and bleeding they said I could head home and just see how I got on or they  said I could still have the ERPC the following morning.  I decided to stay in and was glad I did.  I started cramping again, nothing as bad as before but we kept on top of it with painkillers.  The bleeding came and went.  

I was so scared that I would pass the sac whilst I was on my own.  Thankfully though I didn't.  Yesterday morning I had the ERPC.  It was very strange, one moment I was in the anaesthetic room, next I was waking up with tears rolling down my face.  My baby was gone.

So that's my story.  I lost my 3rd baby at 11 weeks and 2 days.  My heart is broken.

Over

I've meant to update this blog a number of times over the last few months but well things haven't been going smoothly...

I want to log what's happened here, I know it's unlikely that I'll forget anything but I'm hoping writing it down will help to get it out.

I got my positive pregnancy test on Saturday 19th September.  I figured I was about 11DPO.  The week prior I had received a couple of super faint positives but it was so early I hadn't really believed them until I saw the line on the FRER.  Symptoms wise I didn't have many.  Tiredness, backache, headache and just feeling a little off.  I booked in with my GP on Monday 21st September and was given an estimated due date going by LMP of 28th May 2016.

On Thursday 24th September I stepped out of the car taking Rosie to the park and felt a pain low down on my left hand side. It kind of felt like a stitch pain.  More uncomfortable than truly painful.  It hasn't gone by the following morning so I went to see my GP.  She thought that everything was most likely ok but wanted me to get checked out at the hospital to rule out an ectopic.  I spent 5 hours sitting on a ward waiting to see the doctor, eventually they took bloods and sent me home. They ring later to tell me that my HCG level was 158.  Lower than they would like for around 5 weeks pregnant.  They repeated the bloods 48 hours later and they rose to 358.  The hospital reassured me that they were rising well but still on the low side.  8 days later on Monday 5th October my bloods had risen to 5180 and I was told that this was really good and indicative of an intrauterine pregnancy. My first scan was booked for Friday 9th October, first thing in the morning.

On Friday 9th October at an estimated 6+6 I went for my first scan.  It didn't go well.  Transvaginal ultrasound showed a small gestational sac measuring 11.8 mm, around 4 weeks of pregnancy.  I was immediately very upset.  There was no way I could only be 4 weeks.  I'd had my positive test 3 weeks before and was certain that my dates were correct.  The consultant was very positive, said it looked just like it was too early and booked me in for another scan 1 week later.

On Friday 16th October, a week later (7+6 by LMP) I went for another scan.  This time there were changes.  A small fetal pole measuring 3.1mm (5+6) with the flicker of a heartbeat.  I was so happy to see this but still worried that it was measuring so far behind.

I spoke of my fears to my sister who is a GP trainee working as an OBGYN at the moment.  Her registrar at the hospital offered to scan me again to try and allay my fears.  So a week later on Saturday 24th October I went to visit her and she took me to be scanned.  It didn't go very well.  The registrar said the sac had grown but he could not clearly see what was inside it.  It was not reassuring and very inconclusive.  My sister tried to tell me that the equipment that they were using was not as good as the scanner that I had been scanned on previously.

Over the next week or so I tried to decide what to do next.  The hospital did not plan to see me until 1st December when they had me booked in for a nuchal scan.  I decided to book a private scan at around 9 weeks (going by my scan date) for reassurance.  At that gestation I knew that I should have a clear answer either way.  I booked to be scanned at a private clinic on Saturday 7th November.  I was nervous but since I had no other symptoms of miscarriage was praying that I would be lucky.

On Tuesday 3rd November I went to the theatre with my friends.  We had an amazing evening and I felt so relaxed and happy.  Morning sickness was making itself known and I was starting to feel more confident that everything was OK.  However it wasn't.  When I got home I went to the bathroom, wiped and there was blood.  Not a huge amount, but enough that I knew something was wrong. I wiped a few times until the blood was gone and then went to bed.   I saw the GP the following morning.  She said that as I wasn't cramping and was still being sick these were very good signs.  She tried to tell me that it would all be ok but I wasn't at all confident.  She booked me in for another scan on Friday 6th November.  I didn't bleed all day until suddenly I started again around 7pm.  This time it continued.  Again not heavy, just when I wiped.  I was extremely sick that evening.  Again I went to the doctors the following morning where she tried and failed to reassure me.  I knew this wasn't good.

Friday 6th November I was back at the Early Pregnancy Clinic for another scan.  My world fell apart.  I was told that there was no heartbeat.  I was not surprised by this but they also told me that the baby measured slightly smaller than my previous scan.  It was likely that the baby had died on the same day that I had seen its heartbeat 3 weeks previously.  I'd been given hope but in reality that hope had not been there for more than a few hours...

Watch this space!

Wow it's amazing how a couple of days can change everything.  3 days after I posted last I took an internet cheapie pregnancy test.  It was super early, around 7DPO and totally silly... but I got a 2nd line.  Extremely faint but it was there.  Over the next 4 days I got extremely faint lines and then on Saturday at around 11DPO I got a clear 2nd line on an FRER, followed by a darker one on Sunday.  On Monday I took a digital - Pregnant 1-2 weeks.

I cannot believe it!  I AM PREGNANT.  Around 4 weeks or so.  I am so thrilled but also extremely nervous.  I want this so badly and am determined to enjoy every minute!

Moving on

It's amazing how someone else's happy news can completely throw you and haunt you for days.  The last couple of weeks have been really tough.  Pregnancy announcements from a close friend, my sister in law and the latest, another friend who literally 2 weeks ago was berating the fact that she can't afford a 2nd child.  I try not to let them get to me but I just can't seem to help it.  I feel like I have been moved to the back of the queue and that my turn will never come.  I have just about given up all hope and am trying to move on.  We even booked a holiday for next August, which means we will have to stop TTC for a couple of months to ensure that I am not due over the holiday date or heavily pregnant.  It feels like we are completely going against the grain by stopping but life must go on.  It will be OK whatever happens.

Tough Times

Another day, another pregnancy announcement.  This time my sister in law.  Worse still her due date is 8 days off what mine would have been if I hadn't lost the 2nd one.

I've been struggling today.  Tearful and low.  Not myself at all.  I just wanted to stay in bed and forget everything but I made myself get up and go out.  I did feel better for it but still not at all right.

I am spending most of tomorrow with pregnant friends.  Not what I want to do at all but I also can't hide away at home.

I know things will get easier.  I know I will look back and it won't hurt as much as it does now.  That my experiences will make me stronger and make me appreciate what I have now and anything I may have in future but right now it fucking sucks...

Odd one out

4.5 years ago, 6 weeks before Rosie arrived I took a series of ante natal classes.  I still maintain that it was the best decision I ever made as the ladies I met on that course are some of my closest friends.
Rosie was the first baby to arrive, followed by the other 7 over the following month.  One family drifted away but the rest of us have remained close.

15 months after the babies were born, the second babies started to arrive, until there was just me and one other lady R, who had one child each.  R always maintained that she only wanted one child.  The others grew closer over their second rounds of maternity leave whilst I and R had to continue working.

I found out this evening that R is pregnant.  Not only that but she has been TTC for 2.5 years and this baby has finally been conceived via IUI.

I feel awful, completely selfishly so.  Firstly, I am now completely the odd one out.  She was the last one of all my friends to also only have one child.  Secondly, I have to watch yet another close friend go through pregnancy when I am still not pregnant.  Lastly, I now feel that I cannot justifiedly be upset that my journey has been so long, when hers has been so much longer.

I am happy for her, how can I not be when she has gotten what she has wanted for such a long time.  I wish she had shared her struggles with me and I am sad that she didn't feel she could - even after I had shared some of mine.

I am so selfish...

Letter to Snowdrop

Dear Snowdrop

Today is the 25th August, our 6th wedding anniversary, the day we should be meeting you.  I wish more than anything that we were.  That I would soon be holding you in my arms, kissing your beautiful face and breathing in that new baby smell.  Instead I have empty arms and an empty spot in my heart that will never be filled.  You weren't with me long my precious little one, but you will never leave me.  I love you more that words could ever say.

Yours forever
Mummy xxx

Fate and Fault

My last hope of being pregnant before August 25th, Snowdrop's due date, is gone.  12DPO and I have had 2 consecutive drops of BBT signalling AF is on the way.  I expect she'll arrive tomorrow starting off Cycle 12/Month 13.  I'm not upset I just feel kind of numb.  I really thought that this cycle would be it.  For the past 5 days or so I've had backache, cramping, tender breasts,  fatigue and most weirdly a strange metallic taste in my mouth.  Also I had this kind of thought that maybe fate would play a hand as if I had fallen pregnant this cycle I would have had the exact same due date that I had with my daughter.  I guess fate doesn't really exist.

Since Rosie was born just over 4 years ago I have not used any hormonal contraceptives.  I had the copper coil for a year but it made AF worse for me so I had it removed.  For the 1.5 years prior to TTC we practiced withdrawal (though I can't say we were very strict about it at all - fertile times/non-fertile times, we didn't pay any attention).  During that time 2 of my closest friends fell pregnant whilst only using the withdrawal method.  Yet here I am after 2.5 years of no contraception, 12 months of actively trying - using OPK's, charting BBT, logging every symptom and change - and still no pregnancy.  I have lost almost 40 lbs and am between 7-10 lbs lighter then when I conceived Rosie and still nothing.  I can't help but feel like I am to blame, what have I done?  What is keeping me from getting pregnant when everyone around me has managed without problem?  Am I being punished for something?  I don't know where to go from here or what the next step is.  

Lonely...

One of the hardest things about this whole journey is how alone I feel.  The crushing sense of disappointment when my chart dips or when AF arrives.  No one understands.  All of my friends have their second child already, several of them were surprises.  None of them had to really 'try'.  I know in the scheme of things 1 year isn't a long time but my life is changing and moving on.  I'm not the same person that I was a year ago and my life is quite different.  Rosie is older, knows her own mind and takes longer to adjust to things.  I won't give up, we've come too far but I wonder how long I can keep on trying.  I also wish someone understood how I feel...

Full Term

Today I would have turned 37 weeks pregnant.  Full term.  Excitedly ready to meet my little one, so ready to be done with being pregnant.  When I lost Snowdrop the one thing that have me comfort was the likelihood that I would be pregnant again before I would have been due.  Unfortunately this hasn't worked out.

Today is CD14 of cycle 11.  I am still waiting to ovulate.  It doesn't really matter if I do or don't though as this month we're NTNP.  I have too much else going on in my life right now and I can't add TTC into the mix.  I am still tracking but that is just so I have charts to show the gynae when my appointment comes through in the next 4-6 weeks.

The last few weeks have been bad.  Snowdrop's loss is haunting me.  My job has gone bad - I'm being made redundant and my house purchase is on the verge of falling through.  I've been signed off sick from work to rest and am just trying to get through one day at a time.  I hope that once this is over I will never have to go through a time like this again.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone...

No news

I don't really have much to say.  Cycle 9 was a bust and cycle 10 is almost over and I really think that I'm out this time too.  11 whole months of trying.  I have no words...

Cycle 8 = Chemical Pregnancy #2

Last month I was so sure that I was pregnant.  I had no symptoms to speak of but I just felt different.  My chart was textbook perfect and I was not at all surprised to get a super faint positive at 11DPO.  At 12 DPO I had 2 further faint BFP's but my 13DPO my hopes were dashed with a BFN.  Exactly the same as back in December.  I had heavy cramping and bleeding for a day but the bleeding quickly became lighter though it continued for another 7 days.  

This month (Cycle 9, Month 10)  I haven't tracked or temped at all.  I know that CD1/the date I started bleeding from the CP was 29the May so I can track it back from that.  Without tracking though I know that once again something is different.  Going by CM I ovulated on or around 11th June which, as I wasn't with my DH for the 3 days prior,  I think rules me out completely.  (This is almost a week earlier then I would normally ovulate).

I'm numb.  I honestly can't feel anything any more.  Facebook is full of pregnancy and birth announcements, joyful happy statuses (including my best friend who is now 14 weeks pregnant).  Instagram is much the same.  Even Pinterest is full of boards of baby related stuff despite me deleting and hiding as many related pins as I can.  I feel like so much of my life is on hold, I am just waiting and hoping although I barely to dare to anymore.

I dread to think what I will do if I have to go through it all again

Feelings

I am struggling to deal with the feelings that TTC is throwing at me.

I feel so sad that we are not being given the opportunity to have another baby.

I feel guilty that Rose doesn't have the sibling that she would love to have.

I am worried that she will grow up spoiled and never know the support and friendship and closeness that siblings bring.

Above all I am angry.  Why me?  What did I do wrong?  What did everyone else do better than me?

Every night I pray that this is the cycle, that I will get my BFP.  I don't think I am strong enough to keep going through this...

(5 DPO, Cycle 8, Month 9)

...

This last month has been particularly difficult.  I have now been trying to conceive our 2nd child for 9 months, 8 whole cycles.  If I had conceived in our first month of trying, I would be approaching my final weeks of pregnancy.  If Snowdrop had stayed with me, I would be around 25 weeks pregnant.  If, if, if...

This cycle I'm taking a different tack, I'm not tracking, temping or using OPK's.  I'm purposely trying to ignore where I am in my cycle, to forget about TTC and to just concentrate on the myriad of things I have going on in my life. I guess you could say we're NTNP now.  My blood tests came back clear, my hormone levels are good and I seem to be ovulating regularly.  I've lost 28.5 lbs in 13 weeks and am healthier and fitter  then I've been in a very long time.  All that remains is for me to try and do the age old cliche... Relax.

No News

In my case no news is definitely not good news.  I am currently on CD8 or maybe 9 (can't remember!) of Cycle 7.  I will not be having another baby in 2015.  The age gap between Rose and her future sibling will be nearer 5 than the 4 years we originally intended.  I will not get to spend her first year of school on maternity leave which means I am going to have to find alternative childcare.  I'm so sad.  I'm starting to wonder if it will ever happen or whether it is just an empty dream.

I don't really post very often now as each post seems more and more negative.  I have a doctors appointment on 13th April to see what my options are.  I hope she'll arrange blood tests to check my hormone levels and whether or not I am ovulating, and perhaps refer me back to the Endocrinologist who I was seeing previously.  Meanwhile I am just carrying on as I am, temping, trying. Waiting.

Frustrated

Today I am 12DPO and going by my chart (and the BFN's I have had so far), it is yet another bust.  Cycle 6 is almost over and I still have nothing to show for the past 7 months. It hurts.  I've worked so hard, I've lost weight, I've taken medication that makes me feel crap and I've woken abruptly every morning so I can take my temperature.  But still nothing... It sucks!

No Hope

Today I am 6DPO and I have no symptoms whatsoever.  No sore breasts, no cramps, nothing.  I no it's still really early but I have absolutely no hope whatsoever that this cycle has worked.  I'm not even holding my breath until I can take a HPT.  Most unlike me!

My chart this month is shaping up post-ovulation as very like last months chart, very erratic, up and down with no obvious clues why.  I just want this cycle to be done so I can move on to #7 (8 months trying).

In the better news category however my weight loss is moving along well.  I've lost 14.5 lbs in 6 weeks and am now only 14 lbs off the weight I was when I fell pregnant before.  I'm hoping this is good news and it means that my BFP is not too far off.  I've also added some fitness into the dieting and am doing the 30 day shred, and for the first time ever really enjoying the challenge of pushing myself.  I did 5 days in a row, then had a (planned) day off, then got sick and had 4 more days off so started again.  I have then done another 5 days and had the weekend off.  I plan to do 5 more days, have the weekend off and then start on Level 2.  I can really feel the progress, just got to keep it up!

15 weeks

Today I would have been 15 weeks.  Snowdrop would have been around the size of an orange and the lumps and bumps of my tummy would be starting to smoothe out.  But I'm not pregnant.  I'm not going to have a baby in 5 months time.  Instead I'm stuck in the neverland of trying to conceive.  I hate it :(.

Over

Cycle 5 is officially over.  Today is CD1.  In some ways I'm glad that cycle is done with as it was immensely confusing.  My temps were so inconsistent throughout the TWW and I had no idea where I stood.  Even up until this morning, 15DPO I was unsure whether I was pregnant or whether AF was on it's wicked way.  Unfortunately it was the latter.

So cycle statistics.  Cycle 5 lasted 33 days.  I ovulated on CD19 and had a 14 day LP.    This is a slight difference to Cycle 4 which was also 33 days however I ovulated on CD21 and only had a 12 day  LP.

Now Cycle 6 is underway.  As of today I am 6.5 lbs lighter then when I started Cycle 5, and hopefully by the time I ovulate there will be another few pounds off too.  I'm still taking 1500mg Metformin and prenatal vitamins.  I've cut out caffeine and am eating a lot healthier.  I just want to see those two little lines again...

Update

Oops I didn't mean to leave it quite so long between updates.  For the first week of the TWW I didn't really have much to report.  Now I am 12DPO and sitting on tenterhooks.  I really don't know which way it might go.  I have sore boobs, along the sides rather than at the front like normal.  I also have a ton of creamy white cm, which is also quite unusual.  I have been charting my BBT and yesterday I had a massive rise which made me really hopeful however this morning I had quite the opposite, a huge drop.  It's still above the cover line but I've a horrible feeling that this might be the end of this cycle..  I hate this waiting game.

1DPO!

Lol looks as though I was jumping the gun.  This morning I had a big temp rise and my CM has changed back to creamy.  It looks as though I may have ovulated yesterday which puts me at 1DPO and officially in the TWW!  I am still waiting for Fertility Friend to confirm this but I am feeling a lot more hopeful.  I never did have a positive OPK but the last one I took on Tuesday was so close to being positive that I think I must have missed the surge, yesterday's OPK was negative.  So now I wait.

Still Waiting

Today is CD19.  I have still not ovulated.  For the last 6 days I have had copious amounts of ewcm but I've had negative OPK's and my temps have stayed disappointingly low.  I don't know where this cycle is headed but I have a feeling that it will be anovulatory rather than late ovulation :(

CD12 - Spotting

This cycle is shaping up to be a weird one.  I finished AF on CD 6, this was quite a short bleed for me as it normally lasts 7-8 days.  On CD 8 I had some spotting and a very faint OPK.  CD9 I took another OPK and was surprised to find it far darker than I would have expected for so early on in my cycle.  Day 9 I had more spotting which was really dark in colour and had tiny clots and the OPK was so faint you could hardly see the second line.  I have had more spotting the past 2 days and yesterdays OPK was even darker then on CD9 though not yet positive.  Crazy!  I never have this amount of spotting/breakthrough bleeding, and normally my OPK's are really faint until they turn positive and then I have a few days of positives.  Through your this my temps have remained fairly consistent.  Who knows what is going on.!

Waiting for O

I am currently in that TTC limbo when AF has finished but O hasn't yet happened.  The limbo before the awful TWW.  Since my cycles are fairly long I don't normally ovulate until around CD18-21 so I still have another 10 days or so to go.  My OPK's have arrived so I will start them around CD12 but until then we wait.

I'm feeling a little better.  The hurt is still there, I guess it's one of those things you have to live with  but I am OK, for now anyway.  I am waiting for an announcement from another friend, one who is NTNP and I know that when that comes, if I haven't had my BFP, that will sting the worst.  Mother Nature is a b*tch!

Silent Heartbreak

I am shaking and on the verge of tears.  A friend who just started TTC after having her implant out last month, just got her BFP.  First month trying.  I know I haven't been trying long in TTC terms but how is this fair?  I'm happy for her but I feel so sad.  When will it be my turn?

Cycle 5

So as I expected AF arrived yesterday.  Although the spotting had forecast her arrival I was disappointed.  My temp hadn't dropped so I was holding out a tiny bit of hope that it was late implantation or something.  No such luck :(. So on to cycle 5.

I'm not feeling that positive right now.  We did everything right last cycle.  BD was timed right, my temps indicated that my body was behaving (for a change) but it didn't work.  With Rose I was having anovulatory cycles and literally the first cycle I ovulated I fell pregnant.  It doesn't help that a good friend who started TTC at the same time as me fell pregnant straight away and the forums are full of it too.

Anyway, taking my mind of things, my sister is getting married on 4th July and has asked me to be bridesmaid.  So exciting!  I definitely need to shift some weight and get myself in better shape so I can look fab for her big day.  Time to get back on Slimming World.

Sensitive

I'm so irritable tonight.  Everything is annoying me.  Particularly all the posts on Facebook and Instagram whining about pregnancies/babies.  I know this is irrational as I know that when I was pregnant with Rose I was the biggest moaner out there (in my defence I did have a particularly tough pregnancy!).  I keep thinking that they don't know how lucky they are, I would do anything to be in their shoes right now.  I know that's wrong too, of course they know how lucky they are.  I'm way too sensitive right now and I need to try and chill.  Easier said then done though.

I think that much of this sensitivity is because Cycle #4 of TTC #2 is drawing to a close.  I'm on CD32 and either 11DPO or 14DPO (Fertility Friend doesn't seem to really know which.  I've had a really good chart and my temperature has stayed  high but today I started spotting.  Not a huge amount, but it's red and I think it's a sign that the witch is near.  I'm fully expecting a big temp drop tomorrow and AF to arrive shortly after.

So Cycle 5.  What am I planning on doing next month?
- I plan to still temp.  For me it's not the most accurate as my sleep patterns are erratic.  Rose still often wakes in the night which means that I often temp after less then 3 hours sleep or after disturbed sleep.
- OPK's - I ran out this month but have ordered more, if they don't arrive in time I'm not going to stress, I'm just going to try and follow my body's cues.
- Metformin - I'm now up to 1500mg daily, having gradually increased my dosage over the last month.
- Weight - this is the biggie.  I'm around 28 lbs heavier then when I fell pregnant with Rose.  This has to go.  I plan on going back on Slimming World and will blog about my results here.

So that's my plan.  I need to keep looking forward.  The past and present are painful at the moment.  I need to remain positive, my turn WILL come soon.

Word Explosion

For some reason I feel the need to blog again.  To journal what's been happening and how I'm feeling.  So many things are bubbling away and I almost feel that if I don't get them out I will explode!

A bit of background.  I'm 34, married for 5.5 years with a beautiful little girl who will be 4 at the start of May.  For various reasons I would prefer to keep this blog anonymous so henceforth she will be known for blogging purposes as Rose.

I have PCOS, it is fairly well controlled  in that I have fairly regular cycles (29-42 are the extremes but normally around 33 days long).  When trying to conceive first time round  I was on 1500mg Metformin daily  and I lost around 35lbs.  This time round I am back on the same dose of Metformin but that 35 lbs is back on .

We started TTC #2 in September 2014.  Cycles 1 and 2 were nothing special, I didn't really track anything (apart from AF dates).  Cycle 3 I used OPK's to actually confirm ovulation.  I ovulated on around CD18, at about 5 dpo nausea set in along with super sore breasts.  I felt awful!  At 11dpo I had 2 super faint  BFP's.  That was a Friday.  Over the weekend I started cramping.  Severe pains which stopped me from sleeping or doing anything.  On Sunday evening I tested again, BFN and on Monday the bleeding started.  It was awful.  Very painful, heavy and full of clots lasting 9 full days.  My GP confirmed a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage.  It was over before it even began and I was devastated.  I didn't know how to move on and then I found a poem that spoke to me.

Little Snowdrop - Author Unknown

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
For every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.

This poem really spoke to me.  I decided to call my lost little one Snowdrop and it seemed to fit.  My little Snowdrop.  Always loved.