Still here, still growing!

I always thought that if I had a successful pregnancy again, I would blog my way through it, just as I did with Rosie.  I guess my lack of posts shows how far I've come though.

I don't really feel the need to blog anymore, I don't need an outlet to vent all my fears, frustrations, sadness and disappointment.  I have everything I wanted right here, kicking away in my tummy.  My perfect baby girl.

I'm a couple of days off 23 weeks.  It still feels surreal.  Maternity leave is booked to begin in just over 13 weeks.  I have almost all the big baby items either ready and waiting or ordered and waiting for delivery.  

Life is good.  I'm so happy.

Happy 1st Birthday Lily!

Yesterday would have been my sweet angel's birthday.  I still miss her and think about her everyday.  I don't think I ever will stop although it no longer hurts like it did.

I am now just over 18 weeks pregnant with a beautiful, miraculous, baby girl.  I still don't really believe it.  To be honest I doubt I will till I hold her in my arms.  We had a massive scare yesterday ending in an emergency scan which thankfully showed everything to be perfect however I don't think that the fear will ever leave me.

I know how lucky I am, I am thankful every single day and I will never ever take it for granted.

10.5 weeks

It's been a while since I posted but I'm still here and amazingly, I'm still pregnant!  So far everything is looking great. I've had 4 ultrasounds and measurements each time have been perfect.  My last RMC scan is this Friday and after that it will be down to 'normal' NHS scans and monitoring.

Symptoms wise, I've been pretty lucky.  Exhaustion has been the main one.  A little nausea, bloating and insomnia but nothing major.  Even these seem to be dying down as we head to the end of the first trimester.

Could this really be our rainbow baby?

4 weeks

So each time I go through very early pregnancy I can't remember what are normal symptoms are not so I'll try and keep a log each week of symptoms I've had.

This week has been all about the tiredness.  Since I first got my BFP last week I have been shattered.  In bed every evening by 10 and sleeping straight through till 6am yet feeling like I haven't slept at all.
I've also had fleeting moments of queasiness and indigestion though nothing major.

Today however the cramping has started.  Low menstrual type cramps as well as sharper shooting pains in the crotch area.  Enough to make me nervous and uncomfortable however from what I have read cramping at this point is normal and even a good sign as my little embryo buries itself deeper into my uterus.  Fingers crossed that's what is happening anyway!

Changes...

Well it's been a while since I last posted and a few things have happened.  Firstly, I changed GP's surgery.  After recovering from a nasty bout of flu at the beginning of the year, I worked hard to try and lose some weight before I made an appointment about the time that has passed since my last BFP.  The GP I saw was sympathetic and decided that the best course of action would be to take CD21 bloods to check ovulation and to refer me to a specialist gynae team.

Last Tuesday I went for my CD21 bloods.  I was happy to be moving forward and doing something.  The following day I had my lunch and started feeling very unwell.  Bloated and gassy.  I didn't really think much of it but I took a test and was shocked to see a very faint 2nd line.  I didn't really believe it, mentioned it briefly to my husband and tried to forget about it.  Next morning I bought another test , took it in the toilet at work, and again a 2nd line appeared.  Could this be real?  I've had further positive tests over the past 3 days including a digital.  They're progressing in darkness.  I think that I am around 4 weeks today.  I'm not holding my breath, there is still a long way to go over the next 8 weeks particularly but I trying to stay positive.  Could this possibly  be my rainbow at last?

Snowdrop

No one remembers but me, but 2 years ago today my heart broke for the first time.  Little did I know how much worse it would get.  Over and over my heart broke.  My dreams were shattered.  

My heart is healing now but the scars remain.  They may fade with time but they'all always be there.  I miss my angels every day.  My lost children.  Sometimes it's the big things, the anniversaries and due dates, but mostly it's the little things.  The time you forget for an instance and the suddenly remember with a jolt.  The way your heart lurches with every pregnancy and birth announcement.

I don't know what the future holds.  Whether I'll have another baby.  Whether I'll feel those little kicks that are just the most amazing feeling because there is much thing else quite like it.  Or whether I'll get to experience the wonderful bond of breastfeeding, the sleepy milk drunk smiles reserved for you that make the night time feeding sessions so worth it.  I hope I do, just one more time because there is a gap in my heart, mind and soul that cannot be filled until I do.

Today however I'm thinking of my first lost one.  My Snowdrop who never bloomed.  2 years seems a lifetime but yet also has passed so quickly.  Fly high little one, Mummy loves you and always will. Xxx

1 Year

I don't even know what to say but I feel I had to mark this weekend somehow.  It's been a year since we said goodbye to Lily.  A year since I sat in a hospital bed dosed up on morphine and co-codamol bleeding my hopes and dreams away.  

I marked the weekend by giving away all of my baby clothes.  Everything else had already gone to my sister who had a baby boy in August.  I have nothing left apart from a couple of newborn babygros  to keep as mementos of how small Rosie once was.  

I feel broken, physically and mentally.  How can this have happened?  Why has this happened?  Why me?  Will I ever get over this? 

Lily, I love and miss you more than I can say.  I wish more than anything that you were still here, a chubby 6 month old, a beautiful happy little girl.  I can picture you so clearly, blonde hair and blue eyes, so much like your big sister who would have absolutely adored you.  We all would have.  

Always and forever in my heart.