Guilt

Ever since I found out that my baby was gone I have wracked my brains trying to understand what I did wrong.

I never felt quite like this with the other two, after all nature has a way of ensuring that only the healthy survive.  

This time though it was different.  I must have had something to do with it, otherwise why else would I have been so unlucky to have had 3 losses in a row.  Is it me?  Do I have some condition that's killing off my babies before they even have a chance?  Is it something I did?

I've come up with 2 things which I will forever berate myself for.  Firstly, I wasn't taking my folic acid.  After 12 months trying I had just about given up.  I stopped taking my prenatal vitamins and my Metformin.  What was the point in continuing them when they didn't make any difference?  Or so I thought anyway...

Secondly, 2 weeks before I got my BFP I started taking escitalopram, an anti depressant.  I just couldn't cope alone anymore and needed help.  As soon as I found out I was pregnant I made a doctors appointment and was advised to stop taking it.  Had I already done the damage by then?

Part of me thinks that these things wouldn't have made any difference, but what if they did?  What if I was that rare case where taking anti depressants did cause me to miscarry?  Or where my low folate levels caused catastrophic abnormalities in my tiny bunch of rapidly multiplying cells?

I haven't cried today for the first time.  I feel like I should but I just feel numb.  How do I move on?  

I started counselling yesterday.  It wasn't even a proper session but it was so hard to bear.  I am heading back to my GP this week to ask for more support.  For meds which will help to lift me so I can concentrate on moving forward.  I'll ask for meds which are safe in pregnancy just in case.  I can't think of any other way I am going to get through this...