Why?

Yesterday was a bad day.  I spent much of it in tears.  I miss my baby so much.  I should be 12 weeks pregnant, happily announcing to everyone I know that our miracle is in its way.  I should be planning, what we need to buy, checking through what we have already, looking at baby names.  I should be happy.  But I'm not...

Today I am angry.  Why me?  What did I do wrong?  Why do I have to go through all this?  I did everything I was supposed to.  Lost weight, took my vitamins, tried to get healthier.  We waited for so long after having Rosie.  I hated waiting.  I wanted to have a much smaller age gap.  All my mum friends had their second babies and I was still waiting for the right time.  We decided to start TTC when Rosie was 3.5 years old as we worked out that we could afford it.  We would be able to live our life as we wanted to, to afford trips out and treats.  A lovely new house.  A comfortable life.  Was it so wrongn that we waited for this?  Now we're here 15 months after starting trying to conceive with nothing to show for it but broken hearts, mourning our 3 lost babies.

I don't plan to wait to start trying again.  I can't.  Each month that goes by is a month that I am older, less fertile.  Each month Rosie gets older and the age gap between her and any future sibling increases.  I will be followed up at the hospital for recurrent pregnancy loss and hopefully it will show something simple, something I can take to enable me to carry another baby to term but I'm not counting on it.  This ones on me.  Time to get back to the diet and the exercise.  I have to keep trying...