Over

I've meant to update this blog a number of times over the last few months but well things haven't been going smoothly...

I want to log what's happened here, I know it's unlikely that I'll forget anything but I'm hoping writing it down will help to get it out.

I got my positive pregnancy test on Saturday 19th September.  I figured I was about 11DPO.  The week prior I had received a couple of super faint positives but it was so early I hadn't really believed them until I saw the line on the FRER.  Symptoms wise I didn't have many.  Tiredness, backache, headache and just feeling a little off.  I booked in with my GP on Monday 21st September and was given an estimated due date going by LMP of 28th May 2016.

On Thursday 24th September I stepped out of the car taking Rosie to the park and felt a pain low down on my left hand side. It kind of felt like a stitch pain.  More uncomfortable than truly painful.  It hasn't gone by the following morning so I went to see my GP.  She thought that everything was most likely ok but wanted me to get checked out at the hospital to rule out an ectopic.  I spent 5 hours sitting on a ward waiting to see the doctor, eventually they took bloods and sent me home. They ring later to tell me that my HCG level was 158.  Lower than they would like for around 5 weeks pregnant.  They repeated the bloods 48 hours later and they rose to 358.  The hospital reassured me that they were rising well but still on the low side.  8 days later on Monday 5th October my bloods had risen to 5180 and I was told that this was really good and indicative of an intrauterine pregnancy. My first scan was booked for Friday 9th October, first thing in the morning.

On Friday 9th October at an estimated 6+6 I went for my first scan.  It didn't go well.  Transvaginal ultrasound showed a small gestational sac measuring 11.8 mm, around 4 weeks of pregnancy.  I was immediately very upset.  There was no way I could only be 4 weeks.  I'd had my positive test 3 weeks before and was certain that my dates were correct.  The consultant was very positive, said it looked just like it was too early and booked me in for another scan 1 week later.

On Friday 16th October, a week later (7+6 by LMP) I went for another scan.  This time there were changes.  A small fetal pole measuring 3.1mm (5+6) with the flicker of a heartbeat.  I was so happy to see this but still worried that it was measuring so far behind.

I spoke of my fears to my sister who is a GP trainee working as an OBGYN at the moment.  Her registrar at the hospital offered to scan me again to try and allay my fears.  So a week later on Saturday 24th October I went to visit her and she took me to be scanned.  It didn't go very well.  The registrar said the sac had grown but he could not clearly see what was inside it.  It was not reassuring and very inconclusive.  My sister tried to tell me that the equipment that they were using was not as good as the scanner that I had been scanned on previously.

Over the next week or so I tried to decide what to do next.  The hospital did not plan to see me until 1st December when they had me booked in for a nuchal scan.  I decided to book a private scan at around 9 weeks (going by my scan date) for reassurance.  At that gestation I knew that I should have a clear answer either way.  I booked to be scanned at a private clinic on Saturday 7th November.  I was nervous but since I had no other symptoms of miscarriage was praying that I would be lucky.

On Tuesday 3rd November I went to the theatre with my friends.  We had an amazing evening and I felt so relaxed and happy.  Morning sickness was making itself known and I was starting to feel more confident that everything was OK.  However it wasn't.  When I got home I went to the bathroom, wiped and there was blood.  Not a huge amount, but enough that I knew something was wrong. I wiped a few times until the blood was gone and then went to bed.   I saw the GP the following morning.  She said that as I wasn't cramping and was still being sick these were very good signs.  She tried to tell me that it would all be ok but I wasn't at all confident.  She booked me in for another scan on Friday 6th November.  I didn't bleed all day until suddenly I started again around 7pm.  This time it continued.  Again not heavy, just when I wiped.  I was extremely sick that evening.  Again I went to the doctors the following morning where she tried and failed to reassure me.  I knew this wasn't good.

Friday 6th November I was back at the Early Pregnancy Clinic for another scan.  My world fell apart.  I was told that there was no heartbeat.  I was not surprised by this but they also told me that the baby measured slightly smaller than my previous scan.  It was likely that the baby had died on the same day that I had seen its heartbeat 3 weeks previously.  I'd been given hope but in reality that hope had not been there for more than a few hours...