Snowdrop

No one remembers but me, but 2 years ago today my heart broke for the first time.  Little did I know how much worse it would get.  Over and over my heart broke.  My dreams were shattered.  

My heart is healing now but the scars remain.  They may fade with time but they'all always be there.  I miss my angels every day.  My lost children.  Sometimes it's the big things, the anniversaries and due dates, but mostly it's the little things.  The time you forget for an instance and the suddenly remember with a jolt.  The way your heart lurches with every pregnancy and birth announcement.

I don't know what the future holds.  Whether I'll have another baby.  Whether I'll feel those little kicks that are just the most amazing feeling because there is much thing else quite like it.  Or whether I'll get to experience the wonderful bond of breastfeeding, the sleepy milk drunk smiles reserved for you that make the night time feeding sessions so worth it.  I hope I do, just one more time because there is a gap in my heart, mind and soul that cannot be filled until I do.

Today however I'm thinking of my first lost one.  My Snowdrop who never bloomed.  2 years seems a lifetime but yet also has passed so quickly.  Fly high little one, Mummy loves you and always will. Xxx

1 Year

I don't even know what to say but I feel I had to mark this weekend somehow.  It's been a year since we said goodbye to Lily.  A year since I sat in a hospital bed dosed up on morphine and co-codamol bleeding my hopes and dreams away.  

I marked the weekend by giving away all of my baby clothes.  Everything else had already gone to my sister who had a baby boy in August.  I have nothing left apart from a couple of newborn babygros  to keep as mementos of how small Rosie once was.  

I feel broken, physically and mentally.  How can this have happened?  Why has this happened?  Why me?  Will I ever get over this? 

Lily, I love and miss you more than I can say.  I wish more than anything that you were still here, a chubby 6 month old, a beautiful happy little girl.  I can picture you so clearly, blonde hair and blue eyes, so much like your big sister who would have absolutely adored you.  We all would have.  

Always and forever in my heart.

Remembering.

October 15th.  Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Missing them all so much.

Snowdrop - December 2014

Forget Me Not - May 2015

Lily - November 2015

Dandelion - February 2016

Unnamed but not forgotten - May 2016

Unexpected Emotion

Today was the christening of my friend R's little boy.  I was quite fine going along though christening's are really not my favourite scene at the best of times.  Half way through the service the priest starts to pray, he prays for a number of things and then prays for special anniversaries.  Tomorrow is a year since I found out I was pregnant with Lily.  My closest friend C (who had a baby 3 weeks ago) looked at me with tears in her eyes and that was it the flood gates opened.  I haven't cried for my lost ones for some time and the depth of the emotion I was feeling shocked me.  I thought I was doing ok and that whilst it still hurts knowing that I still don't have my take home baby, I felt that I was moving on and accepting.  Today has shown me that whilst I am doing ok, deep inside me I am still hurting badly and missing my lost ones more than I ever thought possible.  It took me a while to get myself back under control, and when I had my friend hugged me and passed me her precious sleeping bundle.  More tears fell.  Snowdrop, Forget-Me-Not, Lily, Dandelion and the last one who I could never bring myself to name.  I will never forget them and it will always hurt more than I ever thought possible but I will be ok. 

2 Years

Today marks 2 years of trying to conceive a 2nd baby.  It my worst dreams I never imagined our journey would be so long and arduous.  So many losses, so much heartbreak.  

We are currently in the first cycle of a 2 month break.  There is a 2 fold reason for this break.  Firstly we are heading to Disneyland Paris next May so I needed to ensure that we were not heavily pregnant around the time we were due to travel.  Secondly I am finally going to go and have the uterine Natural Killer cells biopsy taken at Coventry.  This is the last testing I will be having.  If it does not show anything then we need to decide whether to stop TTC or whether just to let nature take its course and pray for no more losses.

The testing is slightly complicated in that I need to have it done at 7-10 DPO.  Unfortunately though I seem to have stopped ovulating the last couple of cycles.  I have plenty of EWCM but neither BBT nor OPK's have shown that I have ovulated.  Frustrating.  So my plan is to focus on my weight loss and get straight back on Metformin and hopefully I can re start ovulation, then have the test  and hopefully by November we can resume trying with a firm plan in place.  Fingers firmly crossed!

Nothing new

6 weeks since my last post and I have nothing new to add.  My hope is dwindling.  I have been discharged from the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic as they have said there is nothing they can/will do.  I have one thing left to try.  In September I will go and have some private testing done for Natural Killer Cells.  If they are high then I will be put on steroids and possibly progesterone and blood thinners.  If they are low then there is nothing else to try.  Meanwhile I am plodding along trying to lose weight.  It is such a hard battle but I have to succeed. I have nothing else left to try.

Moving Forward

This last year has certainly been a rollercoaster.  Lots of lows, a few highs, and I have thought so many times that I just want to get off.  To stop fighting and give up.

I'm glad I didn't.  The last couple of weeks have brought some amazing high points.  This time last year I was mourning 2 lost babies, I found out shortly after that my future in work was extremely uncertain and soon after my husband was made redundant.  Our house purchase looked like it was going to fall through and I just completely lost it.

12 months later, we're in our beautiful home.  We're so happy to be here.  Rosie is thriving at her new school.  I not only have a job but also a promotion and J has an amazing new job which comes with massive benefits.  We're so much more settled.

The only fly in our ointment is that I've had 3 more losses in the last 8 months.  My dream of a 2nd child is shattered.  Physically and mentally I feel like I am not sure I can take much more and the hope I have had dwindled to the tiniest slither.  At the end of May I attended the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic in the city nearest our home.  The consultant was sympathetic but ultimately said there was nothing she could do.  She advised me to go back on Metformin and lose weight (a massive 70lbs or so) and possibly to attend a private clinic which tests for uNK cells.  I was devastated.  I'd waited months for this appointment and they didn't have a magic wand. 2 months on I'm still sad that they had no answers but have resolved to try and achieve the weight loss.  The Metformin I am on (1000mg daily) is evil.  I run to the toilet several times a day.  On the plus side though, I am losing weight.  10.5lbs in 3 weeks.  I just need to keep trying.  This is my last chance.  

A Lily for my Lily

A Lily for my Lily.  It's been heavily on my mind recently that I would have been due over the last couple of weeks with the baby I lost in November.  So here is my tribute to her.  A beautiful Calla Lily.  My favourite flower for my favourite what if.

Here we go again.

Cycle 18 brought a clear positive pregnancy test on CD 37, a fainter one on CD38 and a negative on CD39 (today).  Another chemical pregnancy.  I have no words...

Dear Lily...

To my precious lost one.

I think of you so much.  In these days leading up to what would have been your birth you are never far from my mind.  Tears come to my eyes so easily as I think of what I am missing.  You have changed me so much Lily.  I feel so fragile now, scarred and broken.  I can remember so clearly the rollercoaster of emotions, joy, fear, disbelief, utter pain and anguish.  The night of the scan when I had found out you were gone I screamed my pain and anger out, wailing and sobbing in a heap on the bathroom floor.  It was like a physical pain.  Perhaps it was then that my heart truly broke.  I saw you Lily, I saw your heat beating inside me.  You were real, you were alive and for as long as I live I will never forget you.  

Love always my beautiful angel.

Mummy xxx

Tired

Another week, more pregnancy announcements.  More scan pictures.  My colleague is leaving to go on maternity leave.  

I'm so tired of feeling like this of feeling such a peculiar mixture of hopeful and hopeless.  I just want my baby already.

I've put more weight on.  It's out of control and I don't know how to pull it back.  I know that I am unlikely to get pregnant at this weight but I can't seem to help myself.  I was 204lbs when I fell pregnant with Rosie and coincidentally exactly the same weight with Lily.  I need to lose around 30lbs to get back to that.  I will do it.  I have to do it.  If I don't, I may never get my rainbow baby...

Hello AF

Not the post I was wanting to be writing at all.

At 12 DPO I woke up, took my temp as I do when charting and knew that I wasn't pregnant.  My temp had drastically dropped.  I wasn't surprised.  Part of me feels like a one trick pony.  It's not going to happen for me.

AF arrived today, 16DPO so today is CD1 of cycle 18.  May will be 21 months of trying to conceive.  I'm sad but resigned not least because it means that there's no chance of me having a 2016 baby.  Funny I was crying a year ago about losing out on having a 2015 baby, little did I know what this last year would bring.

I am hugely aware of time passing, particularly how pregnant I would have been with Lily.  Leaving work on maternity leave, excitedly planning the next few weeks ahead and praying for a smooth delivery and a healthy baby.  My heart aches when I think about it.

I think that is one of the hardest things about loss.  The what if.  What would my life have been like now if I'd had Snowdrop - s/he would have been almost 8 months old.  Happy and active. Smiling and giggling.  Possibly crawling and teething.  Or Forget-Me-Not - 6 weeks old.  First injections.  Growing fast.  More alert each day.  My precious Lily, due in 6 weeks, 5 weeks from scheduled c-section, preparations in full swing.  Kicks and movements keeping me up at night.  Or finally my little Dandelion.  13 weeks.  Little arms and legs moving around.  Anxiously waiting to see him or her and find out gender.  They'll always be with me.  They'll always be my favourite 'what if's'...

10DPO - Big Fat Maybe?

So today I am 10DPO and I am pretty sure I am pregnant. I did test earlier and got a BFN but it's still early and I think it was a rather dilute sample.  I'll try again in the next few days.

Symptoms wise I have sore breasts and particularly unusually sore nipples, light cramping in my lower abdomen, high BBT (and my evening temp is around 37.5 which is over a degree higher than my normal evening temps - this was a symptom during my early pregnancy with Lily).  I am also very tired though not sleeping great and have a rather unsettled stomach.  

I'm excited that this could be a BFP but also very scared.  I'm not sure how I would be able to handle another loss.  I am hopeful but trying not to get my hopes up too high

Moving on

The last time I used this title was the month I got my BFP with Lily.  I guess I wasn't really trying that hard to move on then, I was still tracking, still super aware of my cycles and where I was within them.  I knew that I was 11DPO when I got my BFP.  This month is different, I am purposely trying to distance myself from TTC and everything related.  I didn't track at all last cycle.  I was vaguely aware of my CM and knew that my cycle was slightly longer than usual but didn't really know by how much.  This months I'm trying to be even less aware.  I don't want to know.  I want to be one of those people who suddenly realises that I'm a week or so late and then get a definite BFP.  No squinters, no CP's.  I just can't take any more of them.

Tonight I have my miscarriage support group.  I'm a mixture of emotions.  Apprehensive, nervous but also looking forward to being with people who understand.  Of talking openly about how  much I miss my babies.  How hard it is being around pregnant people.  How difficult I am finding my sister right now.  They won't judge me and they will understand.  I'm not a terrible person, I'm just coping the best I can.

My social networking ban is going well.  I'm feeling much better.  I don't miss it nearly as much as I did at first.  I'm spending more quality time with Rosie and I'm developing my love of crafts - particularly crochet.  I'm teaching myself that not having another baby is not the end of the world and I will get through this.  One way or another it will be OK.  

30 weeks

Tomorrow I would have turned 30 weeks excitedly counting down the final 10 weeks before my baby would arrive.  It's weird, the feeling of something missing hasn't gone away.  19 weeks ago today we were told our baby had gone yet it feels like yesterday.  

I wouldn't say we're trying anymore, just not preventing.  I am trying to distract myself and keep myself from yet more hurt.  I've found a forum of ladies who've been through similar and that helps but mostly I'm just trying to move on...

Frustration

I really don't know what I'm doing anymore or where I'm headed.  I'm still not sure whether DH will let us carry on TTC or whether he has decided that we need to wait again until we're more financially stable.

I'm so disappointed that we are almost 20 months into our journey and are no further forward.  Do I accept that after 4 losses this is just not going to happen for us or do I carry on fighting?

I'm tired of feeling angry and sad.  Of watching others start TTC, go through pregnancy and give birth.  I'm tired of feeling like a failure.  Losing baby after baby.   I'm tired of feeling like my babies don't count.  No one except me remembers...

My best friends baby was born on the anniversary of the day I lost Snowdrop.

My SIL had her baby on the due date of Forget-Me-Not.

My sister is due on what would have been Snowdrop's first birthday.

These dates will forever be their birthdays, and not my babies.  

Our wedding anniversary (Snowdrop's due date), my husband's birthday (Forget-Me-Not's due date), Valentine's Day (the day I lost Dandelion).  All of these dates are tainted with sadness.

I'm so tired of being sad.  Of being jealous.  Of avoiding friends and family.  I'm tired of feeling alone.

Most of all I'm tired of feeling like none of this matters because I have Rosie.  I love her more than anything.  She is my miracle and I am so blessed, but my pain is real.  

Farewell social media...

On Monday I took the plunge and deleted all social media.  Facebook, Instagram, gone.  I had deleted the apps a few weeks ago but found myself still logging in via Safari to get my daily fix of gossip.  However 2 pregnancy announcements in 1 day had me pressing deactivate.  

It's been a rough week.  My hubby found out that he is most likely being made redundant by the end of June.  He told me that as we don't know if we will be financially stable for a while he wants to stop TTC.  I am heartbroken.  I feel lost.  The purpose that I have been working towards for the past 19 months has gone.  Where do I go from here?  

To make matters worse, several times over the past few weeks Rosie has asked for a baby sister.  I'm not surprised.  She is literally the only 'only child' of everyone in all our friendship groups.  I told her that we can't always have everything we want and it's not always that easy but each time she asks I struggle not to cry.  This is worse than my worst nightmare :(

Cycle ? = Chemical Pregnancy #3

I've been trying to work out which cycle I have just finished.  I think it was cycle 15.  Either way it didn't have a great ending.  Last week I started suspecting I might be pregnant.  I was waking in the night absolutely starving and unable to go back to sleep.  My breasts were sore and I could smell things so clearly.  11DPO I took a test.  BFN.  I was so surprised.  I was certain I was pregnant.  That afternoon o took another test - there it was.  A super faint 2nd line.  Next morning I took another test.  It was still super faint.  The same that afternoon.  I didn't have a good feeling. The lines were so much fainter than with my miscarriage at the same point.  13DPO I had a big temperature drop.  I didn't test again but I knew.  It was over before it really began.  AF arrived at 17DPO, 2 days late.  It hasn't been a normal period which has confirmed to me that I wasn't just seeing things.  My 4th consecutive loss within 14 months.  

Snowdrop, Forget-Me-Not, Lily and now Dandelion.  Drifting away on the breeze.  My hopes and dreams.  My lost ones.

3 Months

I've been meaning to update this for a while.  Written countless posts in my head which have never made it to the screen.  

So a quick update:

- Snowdrop's anniversary on 14th December was a rollercoaster of emotions.  My BFF gave birth to her 2nd child on the same day and had asked me to be present for the birth - I missed it as baby was in a hurry but spent the rest of the day having squishy newborn snuggles.  I was sad but hopeful for the future.

- I decided to rename Pickle, Lily.  For a few reasons, it's another floral name so fits with Snowdrop and Forget-me-not.  Lily of the Valley is May's birth flower and it was Rosie's favourite name.  She has been asking for a little brother or sister called Lily, though it's not a name that we would ever use because of our last name.

 - I started counselling and returned to work.

- I had my follow up consultant appointment.  With blood tests and an ultrasound.  I should get the results in 2 weeks time.

- My sister and other closest friend are pregnant, due on Snowdrop's due date.

- My heart is still broken.

So that's it.  I am still in limbo.  Still grieving and unable to move on.  Still not pregnant and feeling less hope as days go by...