Frustration

I really don't know what I'm doing anymore or where I'm headed.  I'm still not sure whether DH will let us carry on TTC or whether he has decided that we need to wait again until we're more financially stable.

I'm so disappointed that we are almost 20 months into our journey and are no further forward.  Do I accept that after 4 losses this is just not going to happen for us or do I carry on fighting?

I'm tired of feeling angry and sad.  Of watching others start TTC, go through pregnancy and give birth.  I'm tired of feeling like a failure.  Losing baby after baby.   I'm tired of feeling like my babies don't count.  No one except me remembers...

My best friends baby was born on the anniversary of the day I lost Snowdrop.

My SIL had her baby on the due date of Forget-Me-Not.

My sister is due on what would have been Snowdrop's first birthday.

These dates will forever be their birthdays, and not my babies.  

Our wedding anniversary (Snowdrop's due date), my husband's birthday (Forget-Me-Not's due date), Valentine's Day (the day I lost Dandelion).  All of these dates are tainted with sadness.

I'm so tired of being sad.  Of being jealous.  Of avoiding friends and family.  I'm tired of feeling alone.

Most of all I'm tired of feeling like none of this matters because I have Rosie.  I love her more than anything.  She is my miracle and I am so blessed, but my pain is real.