At 12 DPO I woke up, took my temp as I do when charting and knew that I wasn't pregnant. My temp had drastically dropped. I wasn't surprised. Part of me feels like a one trick pony. It's not going to happen for me.
AF arrived today, 16DPO so today is CD1 of cycle 18. May will be 21 months of trying to conceive. I'm sad but resigned not least because it means that there's no chance of me having a 2016 baby. Funny I was crying a year ago about losing out on having a 2015 baby, little did I know what this last year would bring.
I am hugely aware of time passing, particularly how pregnant I would have been with Lily. Leaving work on maternity leave, excitedly planning the next few weeks ahead and praying for a smooth delivery and a healthy baby. My heart aches when I think about it.
I think that is one of the hardest things about loss. The what if. What would my life have been like now if I'd had Snowdrop - s/he would have been almost 8 months old. Happy and active. Smiling and giggling. Possibly crawling and teething. Or Forget-Me-Not - 6 weeks old. First injections. Growing fast. More alert each day. My precious Lily, due in 6 weeks, 5 weeks from scheduled c-section, preparations in full swing. Kicks and movements keeping me up at night. Or finally my little Dandelion. 13 weeks. Little arms and legs moving around. Anxiously waiting to see him or her and find out gender. They'll always be with me. They'll always be my favourite 'what if's'...
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