The last time I used this title was the month I got my BFP with Lily. I guess I wasn't really trying that hard to move on then, I was still tracking, still super aware of my cycles and where I was within them. I knew that I was 11DPO when I got my BFP. This month is different, I am purposely trying to distance myself from TTC and everything related. I didn't track at all last cycle. I was vaguely aware of my CM and knew that my cycle was slightly longer than usual but didn't really know by how much. This months I'm trying to be even less aware. I don't want to know. I want to be one of those people who suddenly realises that I'm a week or so late and then get a definite BFP. No squinters, no CP's. I just can't take any more of them.
Tonight I have my miscarriage support group. I'm a mixture of emotions. Apprehensive, nervous but also looking forward to being with people who understand. Of talking openly about how much I miss my babies. How hard it is being around pregnant people. How difficult I am finding my sister right now. They won't judge me and they will understand. I'm not a terrible person, I'm just coping the best I can.
My social networking ban is going well. I'm feeling much better. I don't miss it nearly as much as I did at first. I'm spending more quality time with Rosie and I'm developing my love of crafts - particularly crochet. I'm teaching myself that not having another baby is not the end of the world and I will get through this. One way or another it will be OK.
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