Moving on

The last time I used this title was the month I got my BFP with Lily.  I guess I wasn't really trying that hard to move on then, I was still tracking, still super aware of my cycles and where I was within them.  I knew that I was 11DPO when I got my BFP.  This month is different, I am purposely trying to distance myself from TTC and everything related.  I didn't track at all last cycle.  I was vaguely aware of my CM and knew that my cycle was slightly longer than usual but didn't really know by how much.  This months I'm trying to be even less aware.  I don't want to know.  I want to be one of those people who suddenly realises that I'm a week or so late and then get a definite BFP.  No squinters, no CP's.  I just can't take any more of them.

Tonight I have my miscarriage support group.  I'm a mixture of emotions.  Apprehensive, nervous but also looking forward to being with people who understand.  Of talking openly about how  much I miss my babies.  How hard it is being around pregnant people.  How difficult I am finding my sister right now.  They won't judge me and they will understand.  I'm not a terrible person, I'm just coping the best I can.

My social networking ban is going well.  I'm feeling much better.  I don't miss it nearly as much as I did at first.  I'm spending more quality time with Rosie and I'm developing my love of crafts - particularly crochet.  I'm teaching myself that not having another baby is not the end of the world and I will get through this.  One way or another it will be OK.  

30 weeks

Tomorrow I would have turned 30 weeks excitedly counting down the final 10 weeks before my baby would arrive.  It's weird, the feeling of something missing hasn't gone away.  19 weeks ago today we were told our baby had gone yet it feels like yesterday.  

I wouldn't say we're trying anymore, just not preventing.  I am trying to distract myself and keep myself from yet more hurt.  I've found a forum of ladies who've been through similar and that helps but mostly I'm just trying to move on...

Frustration

I really don't know what I'm doing anymore or where I'm headed.  I'm still not sure whether DH will let us carry on TTC or whether he has decided that we need to wait again until we're more financially stable.

I'm so disappointed that we are almost 20 months into our journey and are no further forward.  Do I accept that after 4 losses this is just not going to happen for us or do I carry on fighting?

I'm tired of feeling angry and sad.  Of watching others start TTC, go through pregnancy and give birth.  I'm tired of feeling like a failure.  Losing baby after baby.   I'm tired of feeling like my babies don't count.  No one except me remembers...

My best friends baby was born on the anniversary of the day I lost Snowdrop.

My SIL had her baby on the due date of Forget-Me-Not.

My sister is due on what would have been Snowdrop's first birthday.

These dates will forever be their birthdays, and not my babies.  

Our wedding anniversary (Snowdrop's due date), my husband's birthday (Forget-Me-Not's due date), Valentine's Day (the day I lost Dandelion).  All of these dates are tainted with sadness.

I'm so tired of being sad.  Of being jealous.  Of avoiding friends and family.  I'm tired of feeling alone.

Most of all I'm tired of feeling like none of this matters because I have Rosie.  I love her more than anything.  She is my miracle and I am so blessed, but my pain is real.  

Farewell social media...

On Monday I took the plunge and deleted all social media.  Facebook, Instagram, gone.  I had deleted the apps a few weeks ago but found myself still logging in via Safari to get my daily fix of gossip.  However 2 pregnancy announcements in 1 day had me pressing deactivate.  

It's been a rough week.  My hubby found out that he is most likely being made redundant by the end of June.  He told me that as we don't know if we will be financially stable for a while he wants to stop TTC.  I am heartbroken.  I feel lost.  The purpose that I have been working towards for the past 19 months has gone.  Where do I go from here?  

To make matters worse, several times over the past few weeks Rosie has asked for a baby sister.  I'm not surprised.  She is literally the only 'only child' of everyone in all our friendship groups.  I told her that we can't always have everything we want and it's not always that easy but each time she asks I struggle not to cry.  This is worse than my worst nightmare :(