Feelings

I am struggling to deal with the feelings that TTC is throwing at me.

I feel so sad that we are not being given the opportunity to have another baby.

I feel guilty that Rose doesn't have the sibling that she would love to have.

I am worried that she will grow up spoiled and never know the support and friendship and closeness that siblings bring.

Above all I am angry.  Why me?  What did I do wrong?  What did everyone else do better than me?

Every night I pray that this is the cycle, that I will get my BFP.  I don't think I am strong enough to keep going through this...

(5 DPO, Cycle 8, Month 9)

...

This last month has been particularly difficult.  I have now been trying to conceive our 2nd child for 9 months, 8 whole cycles.  If I had conceived in our first month of trying, I would be approaching my final weeks of pregnancy.  If Snowdrop had stayed with me, I would be around 25 weeks pregnant.  If, if, if...

This cycle I'm taking a different tack, I'm not tracking, temping or using OPK's.  I'm purposely trying to ignore where I am in my cycle, to forget about TTC and to just concentrate on the myriad of things I have going on in my life. I guess you could say we're NTNP now.  My blood tests came back clear, my hormone levels are good and I seem to be ovulating regularly.  I've lost 28.5 lbs in 13 weeks and am healthier and fitter  then I've been in a very long time.  All that remains is for me to try and do the age old cliche... Relax.