CD12 - Spotting

This cycle is shaping up to be a weird one.  I finished AF on CD 6, this was quite a short bleed for me as it normally lasts 7-8 days.  On CD 8 I had some spotting and a very faint OPK.  CD9 I took another OPK and was surprised to find it far darker than I would have expected for so early on in my cycle.  Day 9 I had more spotting which was really dark in colour and had tiny clots and the OPK was so faint you could hardly see the second line.  I have had more spotting the past 2 days and yesterdays OPK was even darker then on CD9 though not yet positive.  Crazy!  I never have this amount of spotting/breakthrough bleeding, and normally my OPK's are really faint until they turn positive and then I have a few days of positives.  Through your this my temps have remained fairly consistent.  Who knows what is going on.!

Waiting for O

I am currently in that TTC limbo when AF has finished but O hasn't yet happened.  The limbo before the awful TWW.  Since my cycles are fairly long I don't normally ovulate until around CD18-21 so I still have another 10 days or so to go.  My OPK's have arrived so I will start them around CD12 but until then we wait.

I'm feeling a little better.  The hurt is still there, I guess it's one of those things you have to live with  but I am OK, for now anyway.  I am waiting for an announcement from another friend, one who is NTNP and I know that when that comes, if I haven't had my BFP, that will sting the worst.  Mother Nature is a b*tch!

Silent Heartbreak

I am shaking and on the verge of tears.  A friend who just started TTC after having her implant out last month, just got her BFP.  First month trying.  I know I haven't been trying long in TTC terms but how is this fair?  I'm happy for her but I feel so sad.  When will it be my turn?

Cycle 5

So as I expected AF arrived yesterday.  Although the spotting had forecast her arrival I was disappointed.  My temp hadn't dropped so I was holding out a tiny bit of hope that it was late implantation or something.  No such luck :(. So on to cycle 5.

I'm not feeling that positive right now.  We did everything right last cycle.  BD was timed right, my temps indicated that my body was behaving (for a change) but it didn't work.  With Rose I was having anovulatory cycles and literally the first cycle I ovulated I fell pregnant.  It doesn't help that a good friend who started TTC at the same time as me fell pregnant straight away and the forums are full of it too.

Anyway, taking my mind of things, my sister is getting married on 4th July and has asked me to be bridesmaid.  So exciting!  I definitely need to shift some weight and get myself in better shape so I can look fab for her big day.  Time to get back on Slimming World.

Sensitive

I'm so irritable tonight.  Everything is annoying me.  Particularly all the posts on Facebook and Instagram whining about pregnancies/babies.  I know this is irrational as I know that when I was pregnant with Rose I was the biggest moaner out there (in my defence I did have a particularly tough pregnancy!).  I keep thinking that they don't know how lucky they are, I would do anything to be in their shoes right now.  I know that's wrong too, of course they know how lucky they are.  I'm way too sensitive right now and I need to try and chill.  Easier said then done though.

I think that much of this sensitivity is because Cycle #4 of TTC #2 is drawing to a close.  I'm on CD32 and either 11DPO or 14DPO (Fertility Friend doesn't seem to really know which.  I've had a really good chart and my temperature has stayed  high but today I started spotting.  Not a huge amount, but it's red and I think it's a sign that the witch is near.  I'm fully expecting a big temp drop tomorrow and AF to arrive shortly after.

So Cycle 5.  What am I planning on doing next month?
- I plan to still temp.  For me it's not the most accurate as my sleep patterns are erratic.  Rose still often wakes in the night which means that I often temp after less then 3 hours sleep or after disturbed sleep.
- OPK's - I ran out this month but have ordered more, if they don't arrive in time I'm not going to stress, I'm just going to try and follow my body's cues.
- Metformin - I'm now up to 1500mg daily, having gradually increased my dosage over the last month.
- Weight - this is the biggie.  I'm around 28 lbs heavier then when I fell pregnant with Rose.  This has to go.  I plan on going back on Slimming World and will blog about my results here.

So that's my plan.  I need to keep looking forward.  The past and present are painful at the moment.  I need to remain positive, my turn WILL come soon.

Word Explosion

For some reason I feel the need to blog again.  To journal what's been happening and how I'm feeling.  So many things are bubbling away and I almost feel that if I don't get them out I will explode!

A bit of background.  I'm 34, married for 5.5 years with a beautiful little girl who will be 4 at the start of May.  For various reasons I would prefer to keep this blog anonymous so henceforth she will be known for blogging purposes as Rose.

I have PCOS, it is fairly well controlled  in that I have fairly regular cycles (29-42 are the extremes but normally around 33 days long).  When trying to conceive first time round  I was on 1500mg Metformin daily  and I lost around 35lbs.  This time round I am back on the same dose of Metformin but that 35 lbs is back on .

We started TTC #2 in September 2014.  Cycles 1 and 2 were nothing special, I didn't really track anything (apart from AF dates).  Cycle 3 I used OPK's to actually confirm ovulation.  I ovulated on around CD18, at about 5 dpo nausea set in along with super sore breasts.  I felt awful!  At 11dpo I had 2 super faint  BFP's.  That was a Friday.  Over the weekend I started cramping.  Severe pains which stopped me from sleeping or doing anything.  On Sunday evening I tested again, BFN and on Monday the bleeding started.  It was awful.  Very painful, heavy and full of clots lasting 9 full days.  My GP confirmed a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage.  It was over before it even began and I was devastated.  I didn't know how to move on and then I found a poem that spoke to me.

Little Snowdrop - Author Unknown

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
For every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.

This poem really spoke to me.  I decided to call my lost little one Snowdrop and it seemed to fit.  My little Snowdrop.  Always loved.