Unexpected Emotion

Today was the christening of my friend R's little boy.  I was quite fine going along though christening's are really not my favourite scene at the best of times.  Half way through the service the priest starts to pray, he prays for a number of things and then prays for special anniversaries.  Tomorrow is a year since I found out I was pregnant with Lily.  My closest friend C (who had a baby 3 weeks ago) looked at me with tears in her eyes and that was it the flood gates opened.  I haven't cried for my lost ones for some time and the depth of the emotion I was feeling shocked me.  I thought I was doing ok and that whilst it still hurts knowing that I still don't have my take home baby, I felt that I was moving on and accepting.  Today has shown me that whilst I am doing ok, deep inside me I am still hurting badly and missing my lost ones more than I ever thought possible.  It took me a while to get myself back under control, and when I had my friend hugged me and passed me her precious sleeping bundle.  More tears fell.  Snowdrop, Forget-Me-Not, Lily, Dandelion and the last one who I could never bring myself to name.  I will never forget them and it will always hurt more than I ever thought possible but I will be ok. 

2 Years

Today marks 2 years of trying to conceive a 2nd baby.  It my worst dreams I never imagined our journey would be so long and arduous.  So many losses, so much heartbreak.  

We are currently in the first cycle of a 2 month break.  There is a 2 fold reason for this break.  Firstly we are heading to Disneyland Paris next May so I needed to ensure that we were not heavily pregnant around the time we were due to travel.  Secondly I am finally going to go and have the uterine Natural Killer cells biopsy taken at Coventry.  This is the last testing I will be having.  If it does not show anything then we need to decide whether to stop TTC or whether just to let nature take its course and pray for no more losses.

The testing is slightly complicated in that I need to have it done at 7-10 DPO.  Unfortunately though I seem to have stopped ovulating the last couple of cycles.  I have plenty of EWCM but neither BBT nor OPK's have shown that I have ovulated.  Frustrating.  So my plan is to focus on my weight loss and get straight back on Metformin and hopefully I can re start ovulation, then have the test  and hopefully by November we can resume trying with a firm plan in place.  Fingers firmly crossed!