Cycle ? = Chemical Pregnancy #3

I've been trying to work out which cycle I have just finished.  I think it was cycle 15.  Either way it didn't have a great ending.  Last week I started suspecting I might be pregnant.  I was waking in the night absolutely starving and unable to go back to sleep.  My breasts were sore and I could smell things so clearly.  11DPO I took a test.  BFN.  I was so surprised.  I was certain I was pregnant.  That afternoon o took another test - there it was.  A super faint 2nd line.  Next morning I took another test.  It was still super faint.  The same that afternoon.  I didn't have a good feeling. The lines were so much fainter than with my miscarriage at the same point.  13DPO I had a big temperature drop.  I didn't test again but I knew.  It was over before it really began.  AF arrived at 17DPO, 2 days late.  It hasn't been a normal period which has confirmed to me that I wasn't just seeing things.  My 4th consecutive loss within 14 months.  

Snowdrop, Forget-Me-Not, Lily and now Dandelion.  Drifting away on the breeze.  My hopes and dreams.  My lost ones.

3 Months

I've been meaning to update this for a while.  Written countless posts in my head which have never made it to the screen.  

So a quick update:

- Snowdrop's anniversary on 14th December was a rollercoaster of emotions.  My BFF gave birth to her 2nd child on the same day and had asked me to be present for the birth - I missed it as baby was in a hurry but spent the rest of the day having squishy newborn snuggles.  I was sad but hopeful for the future.

- I decided to rename Pickle, Lily.  For a few reasons, it's another floral name so fits with Snowdrop and Forget-me-not.  Lily of the Valley is May's birth flower and it was Rosie's favourite name.  She has been asking for a little brother or sister called Lily, though it's not a name that we would ever use because of our last name.

 - I started counselling and returned to work.

- I had my follow up consultant appointment.  With blood tests and an ultrasound.  I should get the results in 2 weeks time.

- My sister and other closest friend are pregnant, due on Snowdrop's due date.

- My heart is still broken.

So that's it.  I am still in limbo.  Still grieving and unable to move on.  Still not pregnant and feeling less hope as days go by...