1 Month

Exactly a month ago on 9th November I had the operation to remove my baby from my body.  I am doing much better these days.  Able to focus on other things and to look to the future however today is hard.  I miss Pickle so much.  

In 5 days time it is the anniversary of my first loss.  Last year when I lost Snowdrop it hurt but I had so much hope that I would soon be pregnant again and that all would be OK.  A year later and I have 2 more little angels, an empty womb and a hole in my heart that will never be filled.

My friend always told me that the dates were hardest and she is right.  

Numb

Last week I told my GP I wasn't coping and started back on anti depressants.  I'm not sure if it's the result of taking them or whether it's psychological but now I feel numb.  I haven't cried in almost a week.  I barely feel anything.  I don't like this feeling as it feels like I'm betraying my little one's memory.  To have stopped grieving so soon feels like I am acting like I did not care much but nothing could be further from the truth.  I love my baby with every part of my being and it kills me that he is gone.  

Yesterday was supposed to be a happy day.  The day of my NT scan.  The hospital said I would be 12+3.  I knew I was actually 14 weeks.  What does it matter though, it didn't happen.  Instead I walked through the local shopping centre, silently judging the people I saw there.  Wondering what made them worthy to carry a child to term 1, 2, 3, 4 times yet not me.  How could that mum with 4 children under the age of 4 standing outside smoking get to take her babies home and not me?  What did I do wrong?  I waited until we were financially in a position to afford a second child.  I didn't drink, smoke or do drugs.  I took my vitamins, drank enough water and got some exercise.  I ate reasonably healthily and got enough rest.  I tried my hardest not to stress.  Still not enough.  Never enough...