Cycle ? = Chemical Pregnancy #3

I've been trying to work out which cycle I have just finished.  I think it was cycle 15.  Either way it didn't have a great ending.  Last week I started suspecting I might be pregnant.  I was waking in the night absolutely starving and unable to go back to sleep.  My breasts were sore and I could smell things so clearly.  11DPO I took a test.  BFN.  I was so surprised.  I was certain I was pregnant.  That afternoon o took another test - there it was.  A super faint 2nd line.  Next morning I took another test.  It was still super faint.  The same that afternoon.  I didn't have a good feeling. The lines were so much fainter than with my miscarriage at the same point.  13DPO I had a big temperature drop.  I didn't test again but I knew.  It was over before it really began.  AF arrived at 17DPO, 2 days late.  It hasn't been a normal period which has confirmed to me that I wasn't just seeing things.  My 4th consecutive loss within 14 months.  

Snowdrop, Forget-Me-Not, Lily and now Dandelion.  Drifting away on the breeze.  My hopes and dreams.  My lost ones.

3 Months

I've been meaning to update this for a while.  Written countless posts in my head which have never made it to the screen.  

So a quick update:

- Snowdrop's anniversary on 14th December was a rollercoaster of emotions.  My BFF gave birth to her 2nd child on the same day and had asked me to be present for the birth - I missed it as baby was in a hurry but spent the rest of the day having squishy newborn snuggles.  I was sad but hopeful for the future.

- I decided to rename Pickle, Lily.  For a few reasons, it's another floral name so fits with Snowdrop and Forget-me-not.  Lily of the Valley is May's birth flower and it was Rosie's favourite name.  She has been asking for a little brother or sister called Lily, though it's not a name that we would ever use because of our last name.

 - I started counselling and returned to work.

- I had my follow up consultant appointment.  With blood tests and an ultrasound.  I should get the results in 2 weeks time.

- My sister and other closest friend are pregnant, due on Snowdrop's due date.

- My heart is still broken.

So that's it.  I am still in limbo.  Still grieving and unable to move on.  Still not pregnant and feeling less hope as days go by...

1 Month

Exactly a month ago on 9th November I had the operation to remove my baby from my body.  I am doing much better these days.  Able to focus on other things and to look to the future however today is hard.  I miss Pickle so much.  

In 5 days time it is the anniversary of my first loss.  Last year when I lost Snowdrop it hurt but I had so much hope that I would soon be pregnant again and that all would be OK.  A year later and I have 2 more little angels, an empty womb and a hole in my heart that will never be filled.

My friend always told me that the dates were hardest and she is right.  

Numb

Last week I told my GP I wasn't coping and started back on anti depressants.  I'm not sure if it's the result of taking them or whether it's psychological but now I feel numb.  I haven't cried in almost a week.  I barely feel anything.  I don't like this feeling as it feels like I'm betraying my little one's memory.  To have stopped grieving so soon feels like I am acting like I did not care much but nothing could be further from the truth.  I love my baby with every part of my being and it kills me that he is gone.  

Yesterday was supposed to be a happy day.  The day of my NT scan.  The hospital said I would be 12+3.  I knew I was actually 14 weeks.  What does it matter though, it didn't happen.  Instead I walked through the local shopping centre, silently judging the people I saw there.  Wondering what made them worthy to carry a child to term 1, 2, 3, 4 times yet not me.  How could that mum with 4 children under the age of 4 standing outside smoking get to take her babies home and not me?  What did I do wrong?  I waited until we were financially in a position to afford a second child.  I didn't drink, smoke or do drugs.  I took my vitamins, drank enough water and got some exercise.  I ate reasonably healthily and got enough rest.  I tried my hardest not to stress.  Still not enough.  Never enough...

12 weeks

Today is a day I had been so looking forward to.  By the due date given to me at my 2nd ultrasound I would have turned 12 weeks today.  My official dating scan was booked for Tuesday 1st December.  Of course I know that I was more like 13.5-14 weeks at this point and baby was measuring behind but it is still very hard.  I miss my baby so much.... 

Not Pregnant

Well today is 17 days post ERPC and pregnancy tests are now showing negative.  I am completely and utterly no longer pregnant.  There are nothing physical remaining to show for the last 3 months.

I feel awful.  Emotionally I am on a rollercoaster, lows, deeper lows and ok moments.  Nothing I would describe as a high though.  I went back to my GP and she has started me on 50mg Sertraline.  I feel like I can't face anything until I have some sort of chemical support helping me along.  Unfortunately I am not doing brilliantly physically either.  I have developed a kidney infection so am feeling pretty rough and particularly exhausted.  

I'm so ready for 2015 to be over.  I was so excited for it to be here.  I entered it fresh from my first loss, but certain that good things were coming instead I have had heartache after heartache.  Hopefully 2016 will bring my rainbow...

Guilt

Ever since I found out that my baby was gone I have wracked my brains trying to understand what I did wrong.

I never felt quite like this with the other two, after all nature has a way of ensuring that only the healthy survive.  

This time though it was different.  I must have had something to do with it, otherwise why else would I have been so unlucky to have had 3 losses in a row.  Is it me?  Do I have some condition that's killing off my babies before they even have a chance?  Is it something I did?

I've come up with 2 things which I will forever berate myself for.  Firstly, I wasn't taking my folic acid.  After 12 months trying I had just about given up.  I stopped taking my prenatal vitamins and my Metformin.  What was the point in continuing them when they didn't make any difference?  Or so I thought anyway...

Secondly, 2 weeks before I got my BFP I started taking escitalopram, an anti depressant.  I just couldn't cope alone anymore and needed help.  As soon as I found out I was pregnant I made a doctors appointment and was advised to stop taking it.  Had I already done the damage by then?

Part of me thinks that these things wouldn't have made any difference, but what if they did?  What if I was that rare case where taking anti depressants did cause me to miscarry?  Or where my low folate levels caused catastrophic abnormalities in my tiny bunch of rapidly multiplying cells?

I haven't cried today for the first time.  I feel like I should but I just feel numb.  How do I move on?  

I started counselling yesterday.  It wasn't even a proper session but it was so hard to bear.  I am heading back to my GP this week to ask for more support.  For meds which will help to lift me so I can concentrate on moving forward.  I'll ask for meds which are safe in pregnancy just in case.  I can't think of any other way I am going to get through this...